Love & Sex
May 31, 2015
Step right up, ladies and gentlemen, and feast your eyes on this freak show…
I met up with some old friends today, and as I told them tales about the highs and lows of my interactions with those fascinating beasts called men, I realised something: I have to put up with a lot of freaks.
Whether it’s disastrous dates, crazed stalkers or the freaks of the streets, I’ve got a story for every occasion involving a man who tried it on with me, and in the process made sure I absolutely did not want to sleep with him. Ever. Not even in a last-man-on-earth type scenario.
So roll up, roll up and marvel at the best of the worst…
Mr. Grey or: Fifty Shades of Fucked Up
Ah yes, the date who dragged me around by the hair, ‘play fought’ me, pushed me over, demanded a detailed account of my sexual history and then shoved his tongue down my throat as I tried to tell him to fuck off. And then he tried to drag me to Nando’s. I wonder why we didn’t keep in touch…
Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Start Worrying and Carry a Rape Alarm
Bro, are you seriously hitting on me at the hospital when you know my relative is dying? And the specifics of the date you have in mind are creeping me out, in fact, it worries me that you’re a doctor for a living…
Mr Stranger or: The Demon Barber of Albion Street
We all dream of a man stopping us in the street and asking if he can buy our hair. Seriously. It’s what every chick wants. As an 18-year-old strolling through Leeds one evening, that ‘in’ did not creep me out at all. Honestly.
Mr Topknot or: The Little Engine Who Would
The teenager who walked up to me in Sainsbury’s and announced that he would. But the walked off, because he would, but he wasn’t going to. I wanted to chop off his… topknot.
Mr Famous or: The C*nt
Orchestrating a plan to get me alone down an alleyway in the middle of the night. Wow, what a guy.
Mr Sportsman or: The Man Who Blew Too Much
When it comes to sexual preferences, each to their own. But I don’t want to bum you. Or watch someone else bum you. If you want a guy, just find a guy.
Mr Boyband or: Once Upon a Time in London
When I was 15 years old, a popstar tried to sleep with me. To try and persuade me, he said my friend could join in. To try and put him off, I told him she was my cousin. This only made him want it all the more.
Mr Camcorder or: Pervert on the Orient Express
The man who filmed me on his phone during a train journey, who wouldn’t stop when the men I was with told him not to, who only stopped and fled the train once I reported him to the conductor.
Mr Stalker or: The Unusual Suspect
The guy who just seemed so nice, until I kept bumping into him more often than felt natural. Until I realised he was using social networks to work out where I was going, and what I was doing, by cyber stalking me and my friends and family.
Mr Old or: No Frankie for Old Men
The married man old enough to be my dad who always tries to sleep with me when I see him at work events. His tactic? Begging. His success rate? NOPE.
Full-time writer, semi-retired groupie, geek chic gamer and Henry Cavill enthusiast. Showbiz: www.fleckingrecords.co.uk | Girly: girlpanion.co.uk
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