Five ways to make me fall in love with you

June 2, 2015

So it was pointed out to me recently that my Girlpanion articles are potentially making me really easily manipulatable by men.

Supposedly any guy who reads what I write will know exactly how to play me – exactly what to do and what not to do. So in theory, even if they’re not being genuine, I’ll think they are the man of my dreams and fall into their lap, face-first.

In theory.

I like to think that I’m smart enough to know when I’m being played, but I am very open to the idea of men jumping through hoops to make me happy, based on what they read on here.

I know that not all guys can easily look, talk and act like Henry Cavill (he works with wildlife charities, guys), but if you want to make me fall in love with you, here are five steps to making sure I absolutely fall at your feet and not one of them involves tripping me up…

NB: This advice works on me and only me. I can’t guarantee this will work on normal girls, so follow these steps at your own risk.

1. Buy me coffee

So I’m like a crack whore, but with coffee. I’m a coffee whore. The easiest way to impress me/cheer me up/keep me happy is to keep me in coffee – specifically coffee brewed by a barista who looks cooler than both of us added together.

2. Break me with humour

You can have a boring job, two noses, spot trains for fun… none of it matters. I don’t care what you do, what you look like or what you’re into, so long as you can make me laugh. Really make me laugh. Absolutely break me with laughter, near constantly.

3. Give me a nickname

If I give a fuck about anyone, I give them a nickname. Something that separates them from everyone else. So if you’re called John, and I know thirty people called John, you’re going to get a special twist on your name, or a particular pet name, or something. All of my favourite people are those who have gone out of their way to give me a nickname, whether it’s a character from a movie/TV show, a pet name or a full-blown insult.

4. Be a gent and a man

I don’t respond well to pervy, creepy weirdos. Dem guys be e’rywhere. Gentleman are harder (or do I mean easier) to come by, so be a gent. I’m not asking you to pick up the bills or throw your coat over puddles for me, but a little chivalry goes a long way. Be manly and brutish and punch snakes for me too.

5. Pet me like a puppy

I’m always cold – ice, ice cold. I also have a fondness for physical affection. Fixing these two things = one happy Frankie. Hold my hand when I cross the road, pet me like a puppy, let me steal your body heat, and pretend that my corpse-like coldness is not disgusting to you  – even though it probably is.