Boys, Lifestyle, Love & Sex
March 30, 2016
Going on first dates, wondering how long before you should sleep with a guy, googling for new moves so that when you do sleep with him, you dazzle him (because business has been slow this fiscal quarter and you’re not sure if the rules are the same or if people are into weird new things now) because the last thing you want is to go on another first date…
Gosh! Dating is exhausting. But if you can just bag that boyfriend then you’ll live happily ever after, watching Netflix together, eating pizza, touching each other’s butts – right?
Wrong. You think the dating game is hard, well relationships are harder. Much harder. They’re trickier, more confusing, the stakes are higher and – worst of all – if you fuck this one up, you’ve got to go back to square one and start all over again.
Sadly I’m not here to tell you how to save your relationship (although I might do that tomorrow), but what I am here to alert you to are the warning signs that your relationship could be in big trouble.
I can practically hear your re-downloading Tinder as you read…
You’ve stopped having sex
This one is so obvious that, if it’s happening to you, you’re probably already asking yourself the same questions: Is he bored of me? Is he getting ~*it*~ somewhere else? Does he no longer fancy me now he’s seen the ease with which I can eat a pizza that says ‘serves 4’ on the box? It doesn’t matter if you’re six months or six years into your relationship, if sex is off the table (and the sofa, and the bed, and pretty much any flat surface you could fit your butt on like you used to) then you need to work out why. There are a few legitimate reasons why you’re not getting it on but none of them involve him lusting after other girls or no longer lusting after you because you consider pizza a valid form of foreplay. Communication is key, sadly, so be brave.
You’ve stopped kissing
Yes, this is a separate issue to banging, because the only thing worse than being in a sexless relationship is being in one without any affection. If your fella has never been one for PDAs then it’s not weird if he isn’t frenching you in the queue at Ikea, but there’s no bigger warning sign than a guy who doesn’t kiss you any more. Has he stopped cuddling you in bed at night? Does he no longer hold your hand? Does he still have sex with you, but only on his terms, for five minutes, with minimal effort, before falling asleep? If so, dump that guy in a heartbeat, because there are guys on Tinder who never plan on calling you again who will show your business end more attention.
You’re bored around him
Relationships are all about give and take – but that’s on both sides. If you’re doing all the giving and he’s doing all the taking, then that’s not right. Do you dread spending time with your SO because you’re so bored when you’re alone together? Sick of watching football match after football match? Ready to jump off the roof if you have to endure another episode of American Horror Story? Do you watch him play Call of Duty and find yourself craving the sweet release of being shot so that you no longer have to be a video game widow? There’s no excuse for being bored, so if you’re bored it’s because he’s boring you.
He keeps mentioning a girl
Do you know who you need to beware more than your fella’s single female friend? His taken female friend. If there’s one thing we chicks know about guys, it’s how long they are willing to wait for a particular person to be theirs, and the ease with which they can be with a placeholder girl indefinitely in the meantime. It sounds harsh, but it’s true. The good news (if you can call it that) is just how easy it is to tell when your boy likes another girl. ‘Sarah at work said the funniest thing’, ‘I was talking Sarah, this girl at work, today…’, ‘Sarah has invited everyone out for drinks after work today’, ‘I like that dress – Sarah, my friend at work, has one the same’, ‘I felt really sorry for Sarah today, her boyfriend dumped her’, ‘I need to tell you something: I’ve had all the sex with Sarah and you’re dumped’ – is kind of how it goes. But even if the girl your guy is obsessed with never winds up back on the market or at all interested in him, knowing that he feels that way will eat you up inside. Does he make an extra effort to look nice when he’s going to be seeing her? Does he usually invite you out with his mates – until she is going to be there? Is he actually hiding the fact he has a girlfriend from her completely, just in case? If he’s keeping his options open, forget about him.
You don’t trust him
Now, if the above point felt too real to you, then you’re obviously not trusting your fella right now. And maybe you have good reason, or maybe you don’t, but you can’t be in a relationship with someone you don’t trust because it won’t feel good for anyone. Worrying about what he’s doing on his phone? Or who he’s hanging out with? Maybe he is completely forthcoming with you and making every effort to show you he’s trustworthy or maybe he’s just a motherfucker of a man who had sexts from another girl on his phone that you can’t quite get over, but, either way, if you don’t have trust, you don’t have anything.
He’s still on dating apps
If you met on Tinder last week then of course he still has the app, but if you’ve been with someone for several months, and you’ve had ~*the talk*~ about not seeing other people and he’s still on Tinder, Match, Happn, Plenty of Fish or any of their partners is crime, ditch him. Because he’s been keeping his options open. Because he’s lining up a plan B. Because the sad truth is that you won’t ever trust him again.
Your waxing game is weak now
Have you stopped wearing your pretty pants? Stopped waxing for the winter? No longer making any kind of effort before you go out? I’m not saying you should ‘look nice for your man’ but you should still want to. If you no longer care about impressing him, you no longer care what he thinks. Every time you take two hours to get ready to go to Costa with him, know that this is a good sign.
He keeps cancelling on you
If your fella keeps cancelling on you, standing you up or leaving early then he’s obviously losing interest in you. The longer you’ve been together, the more inexcusable this is, but even early on in a relationship these are not attractive traits for a man to have.
You fantasise about life without him
Do you sometimes wonder what life would be like if you left your boyfriend? Do you think about the other fish in the sea? About how he takes your for granted? Do you fantasise about maybe just packing up all of your things and being gone by the time he gets home? If these things are even crossing your mind, you’re not happy.
If you’ve listened to ‘Irreplacable’ by Beyonce while keeping an open mind more than once, you should probably leave him. If you’re listening to it on a loop, followed by ‘Single Ladies’, ‘Best Thing I Neve Had’ and ‘Broken-Hearted Girl’ then you should definitely leave him.
You wonder if you love him – or if he loves you
If you loved your boyfriend, you’d know about it. If your boyfriend loved you, you’d know about it. Because love is obvious. Love is like oxygen. Love is a many splendored thing. Love lifts us up where we belong. All you need is love. But seriously, if your boyfriend isn’t showing you that he loves you, then he probably doesn’t. When we love people, we want them to know about it every second of every day – because we love them! That’s why we say it to our mums and our dogs and the guy who serves us brownies in Costa. If you love your SO then you tell them, you show them, you don’t give them a single reason to doubt you, you refuse to put them down because all you want to do is kiss their face off. If you feel anything less than completely adored, like your boyfriend might die if you left him (of a broken heart, obvs, not because you’d kill him) then he’s probably not the one for you.
Full-time writer, reformed groupie, geek chic gamer and Henry Cavill enthusiast. Showbiz: www.fleckingrecords.co.uk | Girly: girlpanion.co.uk
Tags: dating, Love, relationships, Sex
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